Writing from the dusty cupboard - circa 2004

The Idiot’s Guide to Studying. Cramming
Charlene Teo

Being a whiz at cramming hasn’t come easy. Years of self-experimentation with often -disastrous consequences have taught me much. Like the episode when I got the shakes from OD-ing on Nescafe. Or my infamous typos that have caused lecturers to conclude that I can’t write English. That’s because while some people find thrill in 3-in-a-row moviethons, I find pleasure in 3-in-a-row assignment-thons. By the third essay, sentences peter off to disconnected phrases after having achieved caffeine-induced delirium.

Since assignments and exams are necessary evils in our poor little lives, I have devised strategies to conquer them. So here I dedicate my priceless tips two types of people—the desperados and the plain lazies.

So it’s three weeks before the exams. Super-annoying classmate declares he’s finished one round of revision. Oh no, here goes the guilt trip. If you’ve got assignments, you need to start consulting lecturers NOW!

What should I ask the lecturers? Depends on what you know (or don’t). Personally, I grow another layer of skin and grin like a blithering weirdo while asking ‘seemingly’ intelligent questions. After getting incredulous looks from the tutor, you’ll probably receive a tip-off for the season.

Next, head off to the library and grab books. No, I didn’t say read them. I say bring them home to gather dust. At least you’ve got them on your shelf right? There’s nothing worse than insufficient references when that essay’s due tomorrow.

Now familiarise yourself with the functions of a photocopier. Another twenty bucks down into the copy card—and salivate over thoughts of that gourmet pizza that you’ll have to miss! Minimise your documents to save money and print more. But not too small, lest you end up with dots on paper. After this, xerox all the exam papers for the past five years. Obviously, some lecturers think students don’t notice when they recycle questions from yesteryear.

So just how do you tackle these papers? You’ll need to network. In particular, get to know three kinds of people. First, be best buds with the clever dud(e) as he/she will help you work through tough questions. Second, become tutor’s pet by periodically popping into their office armed with lollies ‘just to chat’ while sneakily digging answers from them. Lastly, let super-annoying friend know that you marvel at their intelligence. Just before entering exam hall, you can request from this friend a summary of the chapters that you forgot all about.

As you prepare for exams, you will need supplies to help you through. Stock up on the most acceptable drug on the market—caffeine. Fortunately too, there’s a delicious alternative to nutritious food: Satay flavoured Indo-Mee. You’ll also need brain food like Doritos, Mars Bars and Steak-Flavoured Chips. In addition, Gummy Worms will exercise your jaws while the rest of your body can’t afford the time to work out.

As you perform mind acrobatics in this harrowing time, you need to create the right atmosphere to absorb information. Thus, I recommend heading to the local library to mingle with permanent residents of the ‘library society’. Choose your library based on the proximity to food vending machines as well as a low level of noise. For goodness sakes’, please choose a seat that does not face the entrance of a library. For what’s the point of going there when you keep peeping over your notes to check out every cutie that walks through the door?

I dare say that grades often bear a direct relationship to the effort put into studying. And as you slap yourself for the fiftieth time for not starting to study earlier, why not look on the bright side of things. You can tell your future employer that you thrive under pressure and that you know how to manage your time well. For it’s truly marvellous how we can study four subjects in three weeks—er, make that two weeks… really.

When not writing advice columns, Charlene works hard at being idle.